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I went home for Christmas this year and hung out with my friend Shannon. Shannon requested a sequel to my previous horny (hornt) film recommendations list so this is for her.
The Shape of Water (2017)
This film won Best Picture at The Academy awards in 2018 and for good reason. It’s about a lonely woman who jerks off every morning before work. I love a woman with a solid daily routine. She works at a government agency that is secretly keeping a subhuman water creature. After she’s asked to clean the room she slowly falls in love with the creature and makes a plan to free him.
I do think the creature is hot, but maybe it’s because he’s tall. Most women are into the thought of dating a swamp creature because it would mean they wouldn’t have to date an actual man.
Honorable mention: Possession (1981)
This is another film where a woman falls for a strange humanoid creature. It looks like the mix of an alien and a Pirates of the Caribbean character. I don’t know what he’s got but if it made me leave my husband and go absolutely feral in a subway tunnel then I’d be at his front door.
Crash (1996)
I’ve been slowly working my way through Cronenberg’s filmography, so far Crash is my favourite. I could probably put any James Spader movie on this list and it would be horny just for the fact that James Spader is in it. I love James Spader so much that I was watching Avengers: Age of Ultron like damn why Ultron sound so sexy.
Crash is about a group of people who are turned on by car crashes. They love the thrill of not knowing if their next tryst will be their last. Danger and body mutilation really turns them on. I like movies like this because they’re interesting but also strange so I get to laugh a lot.
Closer (2004)
Closer is horny but there are no actual sex scenes, it’s that everyone is always talking about sex. Talking, fighting, screaming, asking what exactly they did when they cheated. These people have complicated relationships and they’re all sluts, except for my girl Natalie Portman, no slander can come to her character. The film makes you think about what you’re not seeing.
Secretary (2002)
I had to put another James Spader movie but THIS FILM IS THE GOAT. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a woman who was released from a program to help her stop cutting. She’s struggling in her new situation until she’s hired as a secretary for a demanding boss played by James Spader. Their dynamic slowly develops into a BDSM relationship. She thrives in a BDSM relationship but Spader’s character struggles with love and his true nature. And they have sex against a tree.
Honorable mention: To Die For (1995)
This film also has a sex scene against a tree.
Call Me By Your Name (2017)
This is my most watched film in the last five years. It’s also my current favourite book. I’ve never read a book like this where the plot was more about emotion than action. It’s directed by Luca Guadagnino who has become one of my favourite directors. The film follows Elio who spends every summer at his family’s house in Northern Italy, where he lies outside all day, eats fruit straight from the trees and is always being a little shit. Elio’s father has a student stay with them every summer as a research assistant. This is where Oliver comes in. Elio is intrigued by Oliver which causes him to discover things about himself and love and for him to stop being annoying.
You’ve probably heard about the peach scene but if you’ve read the book, that’s nothing.
I also use this movie as a homophobic barometer on dates. You can never be too sure with straight men so I always bring up this movie and gauge their reaction. This also works with Brokeback Mountain.
Honorable mention: Ammonite (2020)
I wanted to include a sapphic alternative. The peach scene in Call Me By Your Name could never compete with the face riding scene from Ammonite. I thought I was watching an innocence period piece and then all of a sudden Saoirse Ronan mounted Kate Winslet’s face. I clutched my metaphorical pearls.
Magic Mike XXL (2015)
When I say you should watch Magic Mike XXL, I only mean the last fifteen minutes. I often question if I’m straight but then I see Joe Manganiello grind in a woman’s face while she’s trapped in a sex swing and I think okay, you got me. ALL THIS WHILE THE SONG CLOSER BY NINE INCH NAILS PLAYS. It gets even better from there when Channing Tatum takes the stage. Trust me. ☺️