How to Cry in Public
My expert opinion on how to cry in public
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When I was a kid I cried constantly. My families actions taught me that if I cried I’d get my way. But that trick doesn’t work at school, all the kids thought I was annoying and gave me the nickname “Cry Baby.” As I got older I learned to cry less and less in public until I hardly did it at all.
I thought my blubbering baby years were behind until this year when my dad was dying and then he died. I’ve cried more this year than I have in my entire life but this time I did it privately; silently in the back seats of cars or rotting in my bed. But what to do when you have to go outside?
There were times I’d try to have a tranquil moment with my tears. I tried to watch a sunset on the seawall while crying but mosquitos kept biting me. Mosquitos have never wanted my life to be poetic. But there are the other times when your tears are spontaneous and you can’t help but cry in public. I’ve logged my ten thousand hours in crying so that makes me an expert.
Sunglasses
After my dad died I decided that I deserved a treat every day. That my dad would agree with me (he would). My choice of treat was the brown sugar oat shaken espresso from Starbucks. But how to get one when you’re ugly crying? Sunglasses. When you start wearing your sunglasses inside you are in your Leonardo DiCaprio era. Add a baseball cap, you’ll feel the vibes of having sex with headphones on and buying dinosaur bones. Sunglasses don’t just hide your tears, they make you Scorsese’s muse.
Towel
Crying under a towel is a real throwback for me. When I read the final Harry Potter book I kept a towel wrapped around my head for easy access, and to hide under for the more shocking moments. Damn Dumbledore, you groomed him to die.
This really helped on the beach this summer. You feel yourself descending into unfathomable sadness? Just put a towel on your head like oh I am just drying my hair, even though the ocean is actually all my tears.
Free Fall
This third one may make my list null and void, but after crying in parks, on buses, or just strolling down the street, I have discovered no one cares! You can cry as much as you want in public. I’m not sure if it’s the state of the world or we as a society lack empathy but no one has EVER said anything to me. You could be standing in the middle of Robson Square sobbing your face off and no one take a second look. That is comforting and worrying at the same time.
Out of the three, I definitely prefer crying with sunglasses on. You can be mysterious while not having to question what went wrong with humanity. I hope this helps in 2024. 😎