It's So X-Files of Me
The true story of my alien encounter
You are reading SORRY, THIS IS STUPID, a comedy newsletter. You can subscribe here.
The United States government and Tom DeLonge (of pop-punk band Blink-182) have admitted that aliens are real, so it should come as no surprise that I have seen one. I don’t usually talk about it because when I do I sound/feel crazy, and I don’t want to be committed to an asylum. Though my Gen-Z coworkers assure me that if you haven’t seen an alien by now you’re lying to yourself.
About three years ago I kept waking up at the same time every night, similar to the dad in The Amityville Horror, except I’ve never killed anybody.
One night I woke up and walked to my kitchen sink for a glass of water (classic!). There’s a window right in front of the sink that looks out at the parking lot and the alley. During the day it’s normally a hotspot for parkour, but at night there’s absolutely no one around. I noticed something moving and I thought it was a rat. I’ve loved rats ever since I watched Ratatouille high and learned that rats have passions and dreams just like people. I watched this “rat” to see what kinda hobbies he was into, and I realised it couldn’t be a rat because it moved in such a strange way. It was more rolling than skittering.
I thought to myself, it must be a can that escaped the recycling. It was rolling around, so I looked up at the trees. There wasn’t a breeze. All the trees were still. This is when I started to get a weird feeling. The “can” rolled with purpose, like it was controlled by someone. It hid behind a car tire. Now, I knew it couldn’t be a can. So my brain moved to it possibly being a remote control car. I have a lot of experience with remote control cars because my brother and dad would try to drive them into my feet to scare me, so I have the trauma to know how those babies move.
I looked around and there was no one who could be controlling it. It moved again. This was definitely not a remote control car. It moved too gracefully. It was almost like a ball that moved in a circle, but it had its own mind, it was making decisions. I realised I’d only ever seen this kind of movement in sci-fi movies. I was staring so hard at it, trying to figure out what it could be. I got this eerie feeling like I shouldn’t let it know I was there. I’m a smart person (mostly) so I was like fuck this, I’m not letting this thing see me and use my body as a host, so I stepped back from the window.
I laid in bed going over in my mind what I saw, whatever it was, it was not of this world. We are just one planet, in one galaxy, surrounded by infinite galaxies, so is it so hard to believe I saw something? Definitely. 👽