What His Favourite Adam Sandler Movie Says About Him
I spent months conducting research, asking my Tinder matches what their favourite Adam Sandler movie is
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I live alone so when lockdown started I needed activities. I began embroidering, then building puzzles, then walking around at night crying to Phoebe Bridgers. But one fateful night I thought, “What if I got high and I watched 50 First Dates?”
I should preface that I’m an Adam Sandler fan. I always have been. I used make my friends listen to his comedy albums over the phone and they hated it. But when I had this idea I didn’t know how good 50 First Dates could be.
When I watched it high, it was like I was experiencing it for the first time. I laughed, I cried, I thought Rob Schneider was funny. That’s when I came up with the theory that all Adam Sandler movies are meant to be watched high.
I needed to do important research to prove my theory so I began rewatching all his films, and while I watched I swiped on Tinder and began asking my matches: What is your favourite Adam Sandler movie?
Now I’m an expert into the male psyche when it comes to the Sandman and I am going to share my research and trauma to help with your future matches.
50 First Dates
Guys who love 50 First Dates could either be normal and looking for a fun, healthy relationship or they are secretly non-monogamous. Sorry! I mean ethically non-monogamous. They like to add “ethically” so that you know when they fuck other people it’s cruelty-free. Good news, there is a way to tell them apart. The non-monogamous guys have giant beards and are all 35.
Click
Click is the saddest movie I’ve ever seen. Lars von Trier wishes someone handed him the Click script instead of Dancer in the Dark. The first time I saw Click I wanted to walk out of the theatre. Don’t tell me to not take my family for granted! If your match says Click he has manic depression. When he asks for your phone number, give him the number of a psychiatrist.
The Wedding Singer
Guys that say The Wedding Singer are feminist allies and make great boyfriends. This guy will pick you up from the airport, pretend to hate someone you hate, and let you pick the music when you have sex. He’s marriage material, or he'll become so obsessed with you that you’ll need a restraining order.
Funny People
Any guy who says Funny People wants to be a stand-up comedian. You need to not just unmatch this guy, you need to block and report him. It’s for the safety of all women. Stand-up comedians are undateable, mentally ill people, and I know this because I am one. If a guy ever tells you he did an open mic, just slowly back away until you end up in your own apartment.
Don’t Mess with the Zohan
This guy is a fuckboi. Just like the Zohan, he likes to get around but unlike the Zohan he will not make you cum.
Little Nicky
This guy is also a fuckboi but unlike Little Nicky, he will make you cum.
Just Go With It
This is my white whale. No man has ever said Just Go With It. It’s Sandler’s best 2010s work but no one seems to appreciate it. Is it because Nick Swardson gives a sheep mouth to mouth? We’ll never know. At night I stand on my patio in a billowy white nightgown waiting for my “Just Go With It” man.
I have an inkling this movie could be the closest to attracting the ideal match. The kind of guy who cooks you breakfast, doesn’t complain when you watch reality TV, and knows Nicole Kidman only agreed to do the movie for the free trip to Hawaii. Is he out there or am I describing a gay man?
Anger Management
Men who love Anger Management fall into two camps. One, he’s a huge Jack Nicholson fan. This guy is perfect if you want to watch The Departed once a week for the rest of your life. Or two, he’s a simp and you need to unmatch, unless you want someone you can treat like absolute shit. That’s fun but instead you should just become a dominatrix and make that money!
The Waterboy
He has a terrible secret.
Big Daddy
Big Daddy stands as most people’s favourite. That being said, it’s about dads: being a dad, not talking to your dad, missing your dad, so this film attracts guys with daddy issues. And where there are absent fathers, there are momma’s boys.
I once dated a momma’s boy. He would take a bath every night and call his mom. That means while he was scrubbing his balls he was asking his mom about her day. If you think that’s cute, go ahead, but don’t be surprised when she joins you on your honeymoon.
Happy Gilmore
Golf, rage, an alligator, Subway. All the makings of a masterpiece. Guys who love Happy Gilmore are dateable but a small fraction actually love golf so be careful. You don’t want to end up on a putting green when you could be absolutely anywhere else.
Uncut Gems/Punch-Drunk Love
This is the answer I received the most. Men are so predictable. When I asked follow-up questions most guys admitted they’d only seen them once or twice, and that’s not a favourite. If you actually cared about cinema you would have said Jack and Jill. Al Pacino gave an Oscar-worthy performance.
Billy Madison
You should date him-- depending on how many times he’s said, “O’Doyle Rules!” The preferred answer is zero.
Mr. Deeds
Men who love Mr. Deeds are silly and pure at heart. It’s rare for these guys to be single so make a date ASAP, go down on him, buy him a bread maker, do whatever you need to do to lock him down. Other women will be circling, especially beautiful women with long hair who weave macramé, so act fast.
Now that you have this incredibly important information that is all true, I wish you luck in all your online dating.💖
Incredibly important information for me to have as the world re-opens. Thank you for doing the lord's work and conducting this research.