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There is a mouse in my apartment. When I first saw him (yes, all rodents are men) I thought, oh no, but then I thought, make me some macaroni. Everything I learned about rodents I learned from the 2007 Pixar film Ratatouille, so I do not fear them but I do expect them to prepare me savory dishes that I could not concoct myself. This is where the problem lies: I like mice and I don’t want to hurt them.
My dad told me not to feed it because he knows I’m an idiot and easily swayed by cute animals. I think I could live with this mouse forever if he would only learn some boundaries. Today I found one of his teeth, yes an actual mouse tooth, under my pillow like he wanted money from the tooth fairy. I’m not doing it! I will not leave a dollar there, my money is my money. But alas, I live alone (well, I did live alone) and so I am the man of the house (apartment) and I must deal with this myself. So I asked five comedians the question:
There is a mouse in my apartment. What should I do?
Here are their answers, and hot photos of them.
“Move out. That’s what you should do. Move out. I can’t live— I can’t live— this immigrant child grew up in a house with mice, and as a child I remember specifically hanging out with my sister and my brother watching TV and then my brother goes, “Hey Ese, look. There’s a mouse coming out.” We saw three mice, or mouse, whatever the plural or singular, figure that shit out, come out of a hole. Come towards the TV. We were on the couch, but they came towards the TV and they pretty much looked at us, looked back into the TV stand hoping to find some food or whatever, and then they went back into their hole. And I said to myself as a child, “I will never live in a place with any mice or rodents or any infestations,” so my advice is to move the fuck out. That was easy. I’m ready for the next question.”
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“I would say get a cat because I know you love cats so just do it. We used to have mice but since we got a little dog we haven’t heard the skitter of a mouse’s nails on the hardwood in a long time. Animals rock. They kill for you and then give you a nice cuddle.
If you don’t want to get a cat, I’d say get the most humane trap possible. You want a quick death. Don’t get glue traps. We didn’t know we had glue traps in our place until we heard the shrieks of a baby mouse who was stuck in one. Then Mica and I got into a big fight while I was trying to grease the little mouse up and release him from the trap and it was awful. We got him out and he ran away all greasy and small, but it was a tough evening for us. It always feels shitty to kill one and then have to bury its body in a swamp or the woods so no one finds it.
I honestly think a cat is the right choice for you. Just think how happy you’ll be with a cat. You’ll never think about a mouse again. It’s a new friend and roommate who you don’t have to share a bathroom with because they shit in a box.”
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“As someone who has had two mice myself, I would suggest establishing boundaries with your mouse. Set up a schedule for when your mouse is going to use the kitchen and when you will be cooking. When it’s your turn in the kitchen, leave out a badly seasoned soup and see if your mouse fixes it in the morning for a Ratatouille situation. If it is like Ratatouille, then that’s great, you have a little mouse chef, but if not, I would suggest getting rid of the mouse.”
Great minds think alike, as you can see from our DMs:
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“Hi Randee, you should borrow my two cats to catch the mouse. One of them is an outdoor cat and has caught at least one bird. The other one has never killed anything, but I think she would be good at catching mice because she is obsessed with her mouse toy. Also, get them in the morning because after noon all they do is sleep. I hope that helps. Ben.”
This is actually great advice for me because I need to meet Ben’s cats. He’s been posting cat thirst traps for months!
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“As it happens, this is a topic I have a lot of experience with thanks to the year I spent living in a Single Residence Occupancy Unit above a nightclub. An experience I’d liken to camping due to the fact the unit had no bathroom and was overrun by wild animals—including the world-famous rodents: mice.
This apartment is where I cut my teeth in pest management and devised the simple 4 step plan for dealing with mice outlined below.
Step 1: Scream
This is a crucial first step as it will scare away the mouse and add some dramatic flair/ cinematic tension to the situation. The goal here is to make you feel like you’re in a TV show about a Single Girl Living In The Big City™ instead of in a rotting apartment full of mice that somehow still costs 900 Canadian dollars a month. This will make the situation seem funny/quirky rather than horrible and disgusting. A win for everyone!
Step 2: Call your dad
There will be a three second period during which you consider handling this situation yourself like a strong independent woman, then you will feel the feminism leave your body. At this point, I recommend calling your Dad and when he picks up, bursting into tears.
The reason you’re crying won’t be clear to anyone involved, but you suspect it has something to do with the general theme of being in your twenties™.
Seeing as your Dad lives approximately 350 km away in Kamloops (the no-name-brand Kelowna), he won’t be able to physically get the mouse out of your apartment, but he WILL be able to tell you how to build a homemade mouse trap using various items around your apartment. DIY alert!!!!
Step 3: Build the homemade mousetrap
Spend the next 15-20 minutes on speakerphone with your Dad, realizing you own almost none of the things required to build a homemade mouse trap (a wire hanger, soup can, bucket, peanut butter and wooden plank) because you went through a “minimalism phase” last year during which you spontaneously threw out almost everything you owned.
Sub these items for things you do have (dental floss you’ve literally never used, urban outfitters garbage pail, La Croix can, FATSO Nut Butter, and a tennis racket) and build the most insane-looking mouse trap you’ve ever seen.
Step 4: Acceptance and next steps
Spoiler alert, the mouse will not fall for your DIY trap. At one point he will actually scuttle out from under your counter, look at your Sport Chek tennis racquet and roll his little mouse eyes. This will hurt since you used two whole tablespoons of your FATSO Nut Butter on this trap, and that shit is not cheap. It’s like this mouse doesn’t even care about incorporating good fats into his diet. But I digress.
Now that your trap has failed, your only choice is to accept and live with your mouse. If you’re lucky, he will eventually get sick of watching you try the first three minutes of home workout YouTube videos and move out. But until then, you have a short, introverted roommate who sometimes eats your food—but never the FATSO Nut Butter. Enjoy.”