If You're Going to Murder Me, Pass the Aux Cord
The song that makes me feel better when I walk home at night
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In March, I was walking home late at night right after the news broke that Sarah Everard’s body had been discovered. Sarah was the woman who went missing in South England, and whose abduction and death ignited an international conversation about the safety of women. Sarah had done everything women are taught to do to keep themselves safe: she walked without headphones, dressed modestly, walked in a busy area, and talked to a loved one on the phone. But still, she’s no longer with us.
Usually, I walk home oblivious, listening to my headphones, only keeping an eye out for possible cats to pet. But that night I felt uneasy. If Sarah did everything right, what’s to stop me from being murdered?
The fact that another person can kill someone is unfathomable. To murder you have to be a sick fuck, or a Victorian woman who’s tired of her shitty husband and has a lot of arsenic lying around.
Most people assume they will never be murdered or in a Saw 2 situation. Maybe because most people have MCS (Main Character Syndrome), which is when you act like your life is a movie and you’re the main character. You think of yourself as a Nicole Kidman, never a Kathryn Hahn.
In movies and television the main character rarely dies, except Game of Thrones obvi. But I’ve never been the main character, if anything I’m the deranged quirky best friend. Just the other day I was on a bad date and then as I was leaving I tripped and fell and showed up at my friend’s door bleeding. A main character could never! I get into way too many wacky situations to not have an axe target on my back.
Also, there is the fact that men exist. Men love murdering women, especially assertive women who tell them they shouldn’t bike on the sidewalk (me). It’s easy to send a man into a rage spiral. It’s as easy as saying you think the American Office is better than the British Office, and I know because a man held his fist up to my face after I said it. And I’d say it again! Mediocre guys aren’t exclusively quoting the American Office on dating apps for nothing.
But over the last year I’ve been trying to be a more relaxed, cool girl person with less conflicts (potential suspects). My mantra is, “You can’t control other people.” I’m hoping less people want to murder me, but I can’t control someone’s thirst for blood. So if they’re going to do it at least let me pick my murder soundtrack.
The night I was uneasy as I walked home, a song I’d never heard before came up on my Spotify. I don’t know why but I imagined myself being murdered while the song played and I burst out laughing. The intro lyrics:
I been fuckin' models
I been poppin' bottles all night
Playboy in the grotto
I thought about someone stabbing me to those lyrics and it made me feel so much better.
Daddy AF by Slayyyer.
The chorus is a pump up jam and winner of the comedy Pulitzer (a prize I just made up). As a female alpha I really identified with the lyrics:
Daddy as fuck
I feel daddy as fuck
Daddy as fuck
I feel daddy as fuck
I feel, I feel, I feel
Daddy as fuck
I feel daddy as fuck
Daddy as fuck
I feel daddy as fuck
I feel, I feel, I feel
The next time you’re walking home and you get scared that someone’s going to abduct you and put you into a human centipede, listen to this terrible, great, funny song and you’ll feel better. Hopefully.
If you do get in a serious murder situation, I hope they pass you the aux cord.🍒
My bestfriend’s reaction to Daddy AF: