Film Recommendations: An Underrated Genre
A subtle hornt movie list
I like a certain kind of film and I have never considered that anyone would even find them watchable. The past few nights I’ve been recommending films to my friend and she is loving them. But I realised the thing all these films have in common is that they are horny. I’m sure we can all agree that horny is the best genre. Maybe the most important genre. Horny should have it’s own category on Netflix. I’m sick of having to discover these films on my own, just put horny in the description! If you’ve ever felt this way here are eight films I recommend.
The Piano (Dir. Jane Campion, 1993)
I recently rewatched The Piano. Sometimes a film calls out to you and this time it was saying, remember Harvey Keitel’s dick? This film is great if you’re, like me, confused by Holly Hunter’s accent so you’d prefer her not to talk. Hunter plays a mute woman who’s married off to a guy in New Zealand, who is not fuckable (well to her, it’s Sam frickin’ Neill). Then Keitel blackmails her for piano lessons and you can imagine what happens after that. If you’ve ever laid underneath a house to watch your new wife have sex with her lover this film is for you!
Stoker (Dir. Park Chan-wook, 2013)
I like this film because I am a huge Mia Wasikowska fan, but also because it’s about being a fucking weirdo and I can identify with that. Though Mia’s character is a bit of a psychopath and I feel empathy towards other people! This film is a psychological thriller. It’s of the sub genre: creepy horny, and involves a piano. Yes! Another piano. Piano is inherently horny. That’s why they have organs in church instead of them. I also just found out that the main actor from Prison Break wrote the script and I am in shock. I need to marry him or at least put my hand inside his brain.
Anna Karenina (Dir. Joe Wright, 2012)
We all know the story of Anna Karenina (if not, sorry you’re not well read). This adaptation is interesting because it’s not filmed like a regular movie, the sets move and change to give the feeling of watching a play. I know what you’re going to say, plays are boring! I know they are! Gawd! I wouldn’t recommend this to you if it wasn’t good and horny! This film also has the first fuckboi in literature. Anna didn’t have the internet to warn her about the tell tale signs of the fuckboi and how they can wreck havoc on your life. Subgenre: sad horny.
Quills (Dir. Philip Kaufman, 2000)
Quills is about the Marquis De Sade (the horniest person to have ever lived) living in a sanitarium. That’s what they did to you back in those days. They were like, fuck you are hornt, we gotta send you away. This is where my love for Joaquin Phoenix began. He plays the priest who runs the sanitarium and damn this guy will not break his vow of celibacy, but we need him to! In high school me and my friends convinced our social studies teacher to play this movie for the class because it was set during the French Revolution. She definitely regretted saying yes. But that’s her fault for trusting teenagers.
Pride & Prejudice (Dir. Joe Wright, 2005)
This is on the lighter side of horny but if a hand touch gets you hot then I got you covered. If an argument in the rain is all you need I GOT YOU COVERED. Every woman I know loves this movie. I’m not sure what Joe Wright did but he found a way to combine all the elements women want (bonnets, hot soldiers, birds on a lake, giant abbeys, piano music, ribbons, peripheral vision) into the perfect adaptation. Also, Mr. Darcy walks stoically across a field SO I DEFINITELY HAVE YOU COVERED.
The Handmaiden (Dir. Park Chan-wook, 2016)
This is another film from my boi Park Chan-wook, who understands horny creepy more than any other director. This film is adapted from the famous fingerbanging book Fingersmith. This is probably the horniest film on this list. Don’t watch this with your parents. I watched Boogie Nights with my parents and I don't want you to go through what I went through. This film is about a woman posing as a maid to con a rich woman and yeah, she cons her. She cons her good. I’m talking about sex but the erotic kind that women appreciate more than men because our brains are bigger and more complex.
Stealing Beauty (Dir. Bernardo Bertolucci, 1996)
Originally I was going to put Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers on this list but I don’t think you’re ready for it. That dang Bernardo is a real creep and he knows it! I also had to somehow get Liv Tyler on here. Tyler looks the way every woman hopes they look after they start a skincare regimen. The first time I saw this movie I was very young so it resonated with me. It’s the classic coming of age story: an American goes to Italy (second horniest country) for the summer to stay with her mother’s friend and possibly find her father, all while trying to lose her virginity. And she has a weird relationship with an older dude. Bernardo!
Jane Eyre (Dir. Cary Joji Fukunaga, 2011)
I saved the best for last. How many times have I watched this film? I don’t know, I’m an adult so I have no one to supervise me, but it’s a great deal too much. This is another Mia Wasikowska film. Some of you may not be able to tell her apart from Alicia Vikander and I totally understand that. This film is all about hidden looks and desires, and blushing! The love interest Mr. Rochester is brooding, but what makes him better than Mr. Darcy is that he’s tormented! He has a dark secret which makes him even sexier. I should warn the men reading this, having a secret in real life when you don’t own an abbey is not sexy at all.