Adieu to Online Dating
To say goodbye, the best and worst screenshots from my dating apps
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I have had my share of “Covid safe dates.” I went out with a guy who was obsessed with the outdoors, and disgusted when he found out I hadn’t “enjoyed the sun” yet at 11am. I went out with a guy who was an alcoholic, who told me how he got a settlement from KFC. I went out with a guy who wouldn’t shut up about Doge Coin which resulted in me starting a fight, which was honestly just so he’d never bring up Doge Coin again. To anyone, living or dead.
I realized these men all have something in common: I picked them from a profile on a dating app. So I’ve decided I’m not to be trusted with these decisions: age, height, hobbies, pictures taken from selective angles. I’m like a person who has face blindness, but I can’t distinguish between the profile of a normal person and a man who needs to talk about his ex-girlfriend’s dog who obviously drove a wedge between them. I have no business being on a dating app.
I am bidding Tinder, Hinge and Bumble adieu, and in the process I am purging my favourite screenshots:
Asian Dick Doggystyle
This guy surprised me because he looked like a normal jock who loves volleyball, but then he asked me to call him “Asian Daddy.”
Cuck
I told him I’m Switzerland on cuckolding.
Face Fucker
If you’re a woman on a dating app you get numerous messages from guys asking about “rough blowjobs.” We get it, you’re addicted to porn. This guy was the guy who finally broke the “face fuck” back. Please go to therapy.
Attila, You’re Dumb
This guy got grumpy because I made a joke and he didn’t get it. I didn’t even tell him I’m a comedian. Tragically, he was hot.
Chair Guy
I actually matched with this guy on purpose because the chair line made me laugh, which is why I should not be trusted to make my own decisions. Though he does like picnicking, that’s wholesome.
Crazy
I messaged this guy and I asked him what kind of crazy he was looking for. I think he meant overdramatic and high maintenance. I didn’t make the cut.
Horny Guy
This was within the first few messages we sent each other, and he got MAD AT ME for pointing out that he just brought up the word horny. He said I made it sexual. Even Bumble was like, bitch we know what you wrote, when they put that little report flag under his message.
Sex Machine
I didn’t swipe right on D (dong?) but I appreciate his candor. He loves sex but also hiking and long drives.
Needle Guy
Mr. G is just doing what he must to get by! Impress him Slutty Princess!!! Move his needle! I love when a man asks women to impress him. We will do no such thing except swipe left because we are women and have 70 matches already. We don’t need you. :)
Podcasts
I like this bio because I don’t actually know what he means by podcasts. He listens to them? He makes them? He’s never listened to one but likes the idea of them? And the picture he used? Leonardo DiCaprio.
Porn
This could be the title to your next favourite indie rom-com. Someone to Watch Porn With. It just has a nice ring to it. Anthony is also into hiking, surfing, craft beer and golf, but right now he is mostly focusing on the porn.
My Favourites
I love when vegans find a unique way of telling you they’re vegan.
Hopefully one day we’ll all make love on the moon.
Anyway, now I’m off to meet people in person. 🚲